I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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