What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
