we're making bets on your personal life
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
