I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
