we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
