Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
vagina is talking i cant
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
40s are totally the cure
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
