Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
