and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
