im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
