i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
