This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
