A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
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