Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
