woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
