if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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