The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
