Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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