We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
