oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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