I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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