so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
