We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
