STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
