So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
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