I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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