why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
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