she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
