It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
