I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
