I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
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Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
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Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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