Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
