Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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