How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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