dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
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We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
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I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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