8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
