Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
