we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
How's work?
Spinning.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
