Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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