Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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