The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize