found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
