I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
