remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
