she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Randomize
