You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
