shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
