Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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