People with herpes should wear stickers.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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