She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
it hurts more in the daytime
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
