Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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