How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
