I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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