Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
