Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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