So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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