She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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