It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
