my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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