just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
