that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
