How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
