I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Randomize
