What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
