apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
God, you're like boner-b-gone
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
