I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
