Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
