oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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