Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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