I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
