There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
