if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
