She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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