she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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