She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
