I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
